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Daily Dose
| | 5/8/2007, at 6:10:am |
| Well, I finally got some sleep last night. The last few days have been embarrassing, to put it mildly. I can't believe I let SOMEONE into my mind for just a second, much less a few days. I guess it's just a human condition to re-hash old shit or something. I'm coming to grips with everything and I'm understanding myself better these days. I shouldn't have looked at her profile, that fucked me up but I guess that's why all the shit that's there, is there, to fuck me up. Well, well, I guess it succeeded in the purpose for which it was designed!! I won't be doing that again, haha!! I hadn't ever went there before and looked at anything but alas, I had to be a dork and do it the other day. I'm glad things are working out in her life and I'm not going to speak of this again. It's done and so am I on this subject, I feel I've wasted enough of my life on this person and it's obvious I was just another asshole in her portfolio of life. Now back to our abnormal programming!! Ha, I slay me sometimes!! Peace~~Doug {eyes crossed} |
| | 5/7/2007, at 5:02:pm |
| I thought I'd write some more, it's cathartic to get it out. Man, I went running a little while ago and other than the fucking wind kicking my ass it was a good run. I was trying to get some stuff off of my mind. The same shit that's been clanking around in there all weekend. So, I'm running against the wind cussing in the air thinking, "come on, kick my ass" and out of this huge field I see five deer running DIRECTLY at me. I'm thinking "fuck, now what do I do"? About 100 yards away they gracefully turn a little bit and they jump both ditches in front of me and cross the road less than 50 ft away. I could hear them breathing and their hoofs hitting the pavement. After the initial shock of thinking they were going to kick the crap out of me, like on that Funniest Home Videos episode, went away, I couldn't help but just kind of watch in amazement. It somehow put things into perspective, I'm not sure how, but it did. I guess there's so much going on around me, I should just focus on the positive things. Yeah, that's the ticket. Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/7/2007, at 6:53:am |
| Freaking MORNING!!! I'm actually glad the weekend is over, it was a depressing one for me but I believe I got some stuff worked out in this "gord" of mine. It's strange how this brain of mine operates. Sometimes, there will be someone in there you don't want but it's damn near impossible to extract them. I believe I did it though, thank the heavens!! I talked to Fleming's mom last night for an hour or so and she's always good to speak to. Since Fleming's death, we've talked regularly and I think she gets as much out of our conversations as I do. I'm glad I can be there for her, like she was for me.
It's a damn good thing no one was sleeping with me this weekend, I still wake every night between 1:30 and about 3:30. Can't figure it out but I'm not any worse for it, it's just irritating as hell. Almost as irritating as the DAMN WIND!! When I ran yesterday is was a fight to get down the damn road, shit! I guess I'm just complaining about everything this morning, I'll get over it, I do everything else. I gotta get my ass going, maybe the rest of me too. Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/6/2007, at 7:58:am |
| Sunday morning, blah............. Been a little down but nothing too serious, just normal bullshit trying to slap me around. I got drunk the other night {big surprise huh} and called the "un-hinged-one" AGAIN!! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, I don't want to get back with her but it's just a strange "tick" I have, or some shit. She's got a boyfriend and I'm sure I wouldn't dig it if some former ass-hole was calling my "steady-stab" {I'm so eliquant aren't I}. I've FINALLY decided to just leave her the fuck alone!! Maybe subconsciously, I want to talk to her because we hung out for so long, shit I don't know. It's damn sure not healthy for me to talk, think, or have any contact with her and she damn sure isn't having it either, I guess I gotta give her credit for that. I guess it's cool that she can find someone to date so quickly, I suck at that. I took her off of the band's myspace and I'm trying to just forget her number, she won't have to worry, I'll get through it. I can find other girls to treat me like shit, that's not a problem for me. I'm a psycho-magnet!! On that note, I'm gonna go run until I vomit. Yeah, that sounds like fun!! Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/4/2007, at 6:29:am |
| MY WORD, what am I thinking!! Man, I got drunk last night, not sure why but I did. I've had a tough couple of weeks but I'm not sure that's a valid reason. Of course, I had to get on the fucking phone and whom did I reach out to...............Becca! God, I gotta stop thinking she's crazy and put that label on me! I don't even remember what I said, I think I wanted to leave a message but she answered. I guess she was cool, we didn't start screaming at one another so I reckon that's cool. Then, like a idiot, I e-mailed the chick in Wilmington I'm friends with and told her I didn't want to hang out with her because I didn't think it was good for me that she was depressed. What the fuck is up with that??!! Man, I gotta take a break, haha. It's mildly amusing to me that I'm out of control but fuck, I hate coming to in the morning and going "UUGGHH", like this morning. Maybe Becca won't remember either, she's a drinker! I guess we'll just have to see. I gotta take some aspirin. Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/3/2007, at 6:29:am |
| Wakey, wakey! Man, I'm getting more and more like my dad as I age "not so gracefully"! The exercise is making me feel SO much better but I sleep less and less. I reckon the older you get the less you require but it's hard to get used to. On the weekends or after the band plays, I just want to hibernate, sleep like a rock and I can't ever do it. I'm not sleepy though so I guess that's a plus. The Red Bulls help too, haha. The band is off this weekend and T's with his mom so I guess I'll just hang out, hopefully I'll have some work to do in between doing nothing. I've been really creative {musically} as of late. More so than usual and I believe it has to do with no medication in my system and all the endorphins from working out constantly. When I go running, lyrics seem to just whip through my head, I usually get to the house and have to write feverishly whilst sweating all over whatever I'm writing on. I'm not complaining, it's just interesting what the body reacts to and what it does to heal itself. I wish my brain would do that, haha. I'm getting used to spending a lot of time alone again. It's cathartic to spend some time by yourself, I feel I'll have a lot of it in the future and I'm ok with that. It used to pain me to be by myself all the time and I'd drink and just let the time disappear. It's not like that now, I think I'm finally getting used to being my own friend again. Yeah, that sounds insane but it's part of this getting "self-aware" shit. You can't expect others to make you happy, you have to find that within. I may be there, one day. Damn, I better go, I'm sounding crazier by the second, haha. Gotta Jet, Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/1/2007, at 7:05:am |
| Hey, just thought I'd drop a dose this morning. We played in Wilmington Saturday night at the Rusty Nail and had a great show. The club has a new owner and she was very good to us. We're booked there again and she actually told us she'd get us a booking the night before right down the road. I met some cool people too, Wilmington has a lot of interesting people. Lot's of actors, musicians, performers of all types. I dig meeting people like that. As for other things, I'm pluggin' along. I'm getting back on my feet financially and feeling good health wise. I'm still running 6 times a week and eating right everyday. It's strange why I didn't feel this way about my health before. I guess it's just mortality making me get my ass in gear. For some unknown stupid reason, I've been thinking about someone but that's all it is, just thinking. I'm not doing anything about it. It's strange, no matter how fucked up a relationship is, you still feel for that person when they're out of your life. Not sure what type of psychosis that is but I guess we all suffer from it, at some point. I slept in my bed for the first time in months and had clean sheets and everything I could still smell her! I got right the fuck up and went to sleep back on the couch. I'm not going there. I better get going, time to make the donuts {I hate donuts, too fattening}. Peace~~Doug |
| | 4/26/2007, at 10:19:pm |
| Yo, just got home from another great rehearsal. The band is so much better with Dave back, I swear he makes this fucking band!! The new original stuff is so much better now that he's in the mix. As for the other stuff I wrote about, it's funny how things transpire. I feel that everything happens for a reason and you don't always know the purpose for the direction things go, I'm probably not making any sense but it's cathartic for me to write this down. I have a new friend that I've been talking to, she's married and there's nothing but friendship going on but that's the beauty of our talks, there's no way it can go any further than just friends and I think that's a therapy I need. She's got this view on things that I don't exactly understand and I think it's cool, I like learning especially about how women think. My perception on how woman think is WAY the fuck off, obviously. I think I'm getting a little more depth to me, talking with her is enlightening to put it mildly. I guess that's enough posting of my fucked up thought process for one night. T is here and I feel so much better when he's near me. He went with me to rehearsal, it's cool to see him stealing licks from me, haha. I used to do it too. He's the reason my world goes round, he's my purpose in this life. Yeah, that was a little dramatic but, there it is. Alrighty then, I gotta jet, Peace~~Doug |
| | 4/25/2007, at 7:25:pm |
| Boy, life has such a way of fucking with ya'. Things are good but it's funny when you take a risk and you fail. I did this and I guess I deserve a little bit of it {I've received a lot lately}. I can't be upset though, it's not so bad when someone who's a good person and has all the things you feel are important "shithammers" you, haha. No worries, I've gotten used to stuff like this. I'm just gonna keep my head down and keep going like I've always done. I'm in complete control................Really...............I am.........haha. Peace~~Doug |
| | 4/23/2007, at 6:35:am |
| Hey, I'm up. Got another week ahead of me and another behind I reckon. I went to Greenville Friday night and hung out with someone new. Don't think much is going to come of it though, I just don't have the motivation like I used to have. Shit, I few years ago, I'd be all over this stuff but I guess my confidence level is not where it used to be, that's kind of funny to me. It was strange to me to see all those people out in the clubs all dressed up looking for..............whatever they were looking for. It's a different thing when I'm performing, a different psychology, if you will. I guess I'm getting too old for this "pursuing chicks" thing. I guess I shouldn't even say "chicks" anymore, haha. I don't miss dating at all, hell I hate being in the dating scene all together. I've been changing my thought process as of late, I'm not behaving the same way I did years or even months ago. My new found sense of clarity on this subject is good but it could spell me being alone for quite awhile, which I can do. I'm just not going to chase after someone, it's not me and I don't have the time to do it. Not to mention I hate the way I look, most people do too, haha. I like the fact that I'm in good shape and always will be but I need to get some "work" done, PRONTO. I guess it's all in your perception on how you think you look. I think it was Niche that said "it's not how things are, it's how you think things are", which is very true. The band is in Wilmington this weekend {thank the heavens} and I can't wait to get my stupid looking ass back on the stage! That's my therapy, it works too! Just look how well adjusted I am, hahahaha! I better get my old, ugly, uneducated ass in gear {nice, huh}. Peace~~Doug |
| | 4/16/2007, at 5:58:am |
| I'm up WAY TOO Fucking early again!! I just can't sleep worth a damn anymore. Not sure why, maybe I'm just not needing it, or it could be that bite on the neck I got the other night real late!! Ha, no Vampirism for me. I had a great weekend with T, even though he spent the night at a musician buddies house on Friday. That's cool, I want him to be happy. We played guitar a lot and laughed and joked like usual. The time with him makes me feel right, you know? I'm not one to feel right that often but I do with him. I finished some cool original stuff this weekend, a couple of them actually. One of them, "Miles Away" is ultra cool and I can't wait to play it out. Hopefully, I won't get kicked in the nuts if a certain person hears it. You know, it's strange, even though I'm not all down about the break-up and I know it's for the best, I miss having someone to be close to. I realize that's very "un-Doug" but I guess it's not so out of the question that I may want that again, down the road with someone. When the "un-hinged-one" was cool, it was nice to hang with her but that was very few and far between. There was always an argument about to happen for SOMETHING I had done or said, at some point. Just like my mom, haha! I really do not wish any bad stuff for her and I need to just not talk to her at all, drunk or not. She doesn't deserve to be treated shitty and I refuse to sink to her level and be bitter all the time, at least towards me. Not sure what that meant but it sounded good in my head. I better get going, I have to take my kid to school in a few minutes and then work like a migrant worker! Oh, what a life I lead!! Peace~~Doug |
| | 4/14/2007, at 9:51:pm |
| Hey all, or none, as it were. I'm home hangin' with my kid and playing guitar and stuff. It's very good for my soul to hang with him. He's so good on the guitar, it makes me think that I'm probably not the one with the gift. I have gotten better than any of my family, technically. Tyler is getting to the point where he'll be better than I was at his age. He's not there yet but I can see it coming, and I'm glad!!
I met someone kind of cool but I think I don't have the ambition to "go for it". She's really cool but I'm not sure I want to go out all the time and hang in the clubs like she does. God, she's so hot! I'm probably not in her league anyway but damn, she makes my blood pressure rise for some reason and that hasn't happened in awhile. She's coming to see me play so I guess I'll be on my "game" when she gets there, whatever that means. With Dave back in the band I'll be shaken my old ass for sure, haha. It's better than thinking of what I used to have, even though I'm sure she's wrecking someone else's life, hahahaha. Naw, I hope she does well. Why are the crazy one's the best lays? I guess it's just the balance of the world huh?
I better get back to my Tequila and playing guitar. Peace out~~The Doug |
| | 4/11/2007, at 7:54:am |
| Hey. Man, work sucks, doesn't it? I'm glad it's supposed to rain today but I really can't afford it. I'm feeling these years on my body. Actually, I'm feeling more than I have in many years. I guess that's what normal people feel though, they don't get help from pills or drugs or whatever, they just endure. I guess I'll just have to do the same, and like it {puke}. Things are going good with having Dave Jones back in the band, he's a good dude and a great drummer. I do feel bad about having to cancel shows in West Virginia and Virginia but the guy whom was supposed to play these gigs with us just screwed us royally. We're still going to be playing within a hundred miles or so, I think. We have rehearsal and a band meeting tonight so we'll see. As for my personal life, yeah...........same old shit. I'm not doing much but working and trying to catch up on my finances. I haven't much time for anything other than hanging with my son. I went to his Karate class last night and watched him workout, I enjoyed just being near him. I've decided to just forgo any attempt at dating, shit it sucks anyway to be out there and single because everyone just thinks you're "looking" and that's the last thing on my mind. I barely survived the last fiasco, haha {joke}. I guess I could just order me a "mail order bride" from Russia or something right? No, no, no, that takes money and I'm so broke, if I had to pay to.............never-mind. I'm actually not depressed though, I think the new found sense of clarity I have is helping greatly, along with working out and the yoga stuff I'm doing. I just want to be healthy inside and then maybe it'll translate into the rest of my life. Whatever, I'm still a cynic about everything. Fuck, I gotta get going. Peace~~Doug |
| | 4/2/2007, at 8:01:pm |
| Yo, I'm here. Well, it looks like we have our original drummer back, thank the heavens!! He's been missin' us and we've definitely missed him. No one has played the show like Dave. We still have a few road gigs to do without him. He's not interested, at the moment doing the road stuff. Fayetteville, Wilmington, Raleigh, maybe Myrtle Beach, Jacksonville and other places within a few hundred miles he's gonna want to do. I don't really care, the guy is great, he's a cool dude and someone I consider family. We played this weekend and the fucking show was GREAT!! He's as happy to play as I was to have him on the stage. I actually told him I loved him during the show. Yeah, that sounded gay but whatever!! His wife Cathy is the coolest chick in the world and shes as important as he is actually. Push Groove is complete with Tattoo Dave in the mix. I miss him bitchin' at me, haha.
As for other things, shit is going great. I feel better than ever, I don't have any stupidity in my life and I'm working my ass off everyday. I normally would hate the "working" aspect of my life but I really like paying my bills on time. We'll sell this record one day, I'm sure. I could care less about being famous, I just want to make a living and hook my son up. My freedom is also feeling good at the moment. I somewhat miss the person whom was in my life but the bad stuff overwhelms any of good stuff so I'm doing well. I hope she does well too. I actually miss her Dad more than her. I really hope she does well, or does whom she's with well, haha!! I slay me sometimes. I gotta go, Peace~~The Doug |
| | 3/23/2007, at 1:15:am |
| Hello, hello. Yeah, It's been awhile. I've been busy and I usually tend my "Myspace" account with a lot more frequency. Well hell, another year has come and gone for me. It's the big "42" for me, right this minute. I'm up this late, or early whichever, because certain factors only let me get three hours sleep last night. No, it wasn't partying that kept me up, I'm done with all that. Shit, I'm too old to party, haha. I never thought I'd have to bust my ass so hard to get this band going and make a living and all the other stuff I have to do to get by. I really wish now that I'd planned a little better for the future. My plan is................I have no plan! I'm just hoping that I can get Push Groove going well enough to make a living, being famous isn't in my peripheral anymore. I gave up on that long ago, with the demise of Kruella Deville. I thought that band had it, obviously not. It's been a little weird for me this birthday, I'm actually in better shape than I've been for a long time but you just can't help but think of the mortality thing. Tyler being here tonight helps, he got a new haircut and it looks cool. I really don't know what I'd do without him. He's got to go back home for Friday and Saturday, we're on the road this weekend. His mom {the Satanic one} doesn't want him staying with friends when he's supposed to be here and I'm gone. I can actually see her point. T's getting older and the possibility of him stepping in some shit and getting into trouble is a real factor. Linda and I hadn't spoken in close to 6 months until recently. I still keep my guard up because I now realize, we're not friends. I'm just her son's father and her ex-husband. I blame myself {as does she, for everything} for thinking we were friends before. I think it's probably a good thing I was enlightened to that fact now instead of in the future. I'm looking forward to playing in Fayetteville and Wilmington this weekend. I think the stress level will be low, I'm going solo so there will be no one telling me how my "stage show" looks bad and that I'm flirting with every girl in the building but I digress. We don't want to go there right now. I guess that's enough for now. I reckon I'll take my 42 year old ass to bed. Damn, that sounds old!! Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/22/2007, at 7:27:pm |
| Yo. Well, we just got done jammin for about 7 hours with Shedrick our new FUCKING awesome drummer! Man, this guy can play! He just fits in so well. We even worked up some of the new original stuff we hadn't ever played with anyone before. The guy is just so talented! He's as stoked about this as we are. He actually thinks we're good{?} Can you believe that? He's a funky drummer for sure and Push Groove is now at another level, as a band. After all the dumb shit that's happened this weekend and the stupidity I've had to endure with the ex and all, this made all the bad stuff just wither away. Music has a way of doing that, at least to me. My Buddy Rhonda put me in my place this weekend too. She told me to quit my bitchin' and move on. It was a tough weekend for me. My best friend in the world, Brother Dave has been telling me I belong with the one whom will go nameless. He said because she's been calling me and texting me, she still has feelings for me and obviously I'm still thinking of her. Well, what I say is BULLSHIT! She wouldn't be all laid up with this guy all weekend and every chance she gets if she had those type of feelings for me. I'm actually on her side in this, stay with the new boyfriend, I'm sure he's a way better boyfriend {and probably a better person too} than I could ever be. It's too late anyway, I'm over it. Every time I think fondly of her, I just think about her texting me on her way to the new guys house. She probably did the same to me, which is fine. Fuck, I'm not going to dwell on this shit, I'm in too good a mood. The band rocks again, I'm not a fat fuck anymore and I'm going out on the road soon. What could be better?? Nothing, other than my kid. I'm out of here, like my exes cell service at her new boyfriend's house!! Now that was funny! Peace~~Douggy |
| | 1/21/2007, at 8:09:am |
| Ahhh Awake, sort of. Well, I didn't drink too much or do anything stupid last night so I consider that a small victory. My fighter won his bout too so that was a nice little added pleasure. I worked out very hard yesterday after get off of a roof that I did some work on but I think I'm going to head off for the gym early today and just try and kill myself on the treadmill, haha. I enjoy pain and anyone whom knows me would have to agree. Obviously, by the way I deal with the exes, hahahahah! Naw, we're not going there this early, not today boys and girls. We did some booking last night up North and we're filling up March, April and May. I guess when you're sober after 8 o'clock at night, you can get some things done, strange huh? I will say though, I was a little snappy {irritated} for some reason last night. I guess I'll have to apologize to Matt sometime today. I got over it after I talked some business on the phone but I guess it's just a little stressful for me as of late. I'll make it, always do. We're recording more stuff for the CD today, I'm enjoying that immensely. I think this will be, by far, the best record I've ever worked on. The writing that's coming out of me is better than I've done so that has to translate into a better record. We'll see. We're gonna post a couple of other new tunes on both site when they're done {www.pushgroove.com or www.myspace.com/pushgroove}. Alrighty then, I better get moving. Peace everyone~~Doug {the Snappy} |
| | 1/20/2007, at 7:35:pm |
| Ok, no whining, haha. Naw, I had a weird night last night. I'm not sure if it was the Tequila or what. I shouldn't have spoken with the ex-girlfriend, I guess there's more to that story still banging around in my head and my heart. I think the best thing to do with that situation is create some distance between she and I. Whenever she's not at her boyfriends house, she feels the need to speak with me. That's just painful for me to handle but I guess I understand why she wants to inflict this on me, I guess I was a dick to her in the past and subconciously {or consciously} she wants to pay me back. I think it'd be best just to not take her calls anymore or text message her when I'm drinking. I hate it that I'm spending all this time and energy writing and thinking about all this shit. It's freakin' embarrassing. Her cousin past away a few days ago so she wanted to talk to me about that and the whole time I was like "please just go tell your boyfriend and leave me alone". I want to move on more than anyone knows, she has and seems to be very happy with her new dude. I guess the fact that I haven't gone out with anyone {who the fuck wants to go out with me??} and that I stay home unless I'm playing isn't helping things. I couldn't really date anyone right now anyway. I'm way too fucked up in the head. That felt weird writing but it's the truth. There's a fight on HBO tonight and that's a good thing. I recorded some vocals and guitar on a new song that's going on our disc today and that made me feel a little more complete. The music saves me, I'm happy that it's doing what it used to do when I was younger. Anyway, I guess the ex will read this, she always tells me what a loser I am after reading my DD's. Hey RS, go talk to your new guy and stop contacting me, and don't respond if I contact you. That should take care of itself. I'm tired of feeling like shit over this stupid stuff. I feel like it's dragging on and on and on......... I'm going to hang out and watch the fight and drink VERY LITTLE tonight, haha. I gotta go, take care everyone, Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/20/2007, at 8:00:am |
| My word! I think I may have over indulged a little {a lot} last night. I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes. I called my Brother Greg, the dentist that's in the Air Force last night and I didn't have his cell phone so I told his office it was a dental emergency. So, Greg calls me all worried and shit. What a dick I am. This other dude gave me a number for him that I didn't know was like an emergency number. I'm such a dork!! Yeah, I also talked to someone else last night and that was just as stupid. I guess after seeing my best friend and him telling me I should be with the person that will go nameless it got me thinking, thinking and tequila DO NOT go together! Brother Dave said everyone has problems and I should accept hers because I'm spending all my time thinking about her. Rubbish! She dating someone else anyway and like I've said before, it'd just be the same thing after a few weeks. Rhonda {my friend in Texas} had the best thing to say. She said "you're always wining about this shit, shut the fuck up about it already". I believe that's verbatim. I guess I'll have to take precautions every time I drink huh? She helped to perpetuate the situation, she set me texts and sounded like she wanted to talk about things. Then went straight to the new guys house and spent the night. I guess that's what people do whom are dating. I have to get my ass, and everything else in gear. No wining today for the Can. Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/19/2007, at 9:47:am |
| Man, I hate this weather, cold and rainy. I usually dig the rain, for some unknown reason. I'm not sure why I started liking it but I think it's just soothing to me. I'm so sore from yesterday at the gym, I know I sound like a broken record saying that all the time but I thought the soreness was supposed to stop after a month or so. Well, it's been over a month. I can't wait to post new performance pics on the site and see the difference. I'm not longer a Blue Whale, I'm just a Sperm Whale now! I won't even touch that last statement. I do feel and look better but I still have much to change, I'll do it, I have nothing else to do right? I'm writing some cool music, I've been thinking about someone again that I shouldn't and I'm struggling not to write sappy shit. Some of it is actually cool but I don't write every song about love and shit like that, you have to have a balance. I hate it that my brain just thinks about whomever and I have no say in it. I bet that sounded insane but that's the reality of it. I'm sitting here, thinking about someone who's not thinking of me and if she were, it wouldn't matter because she's dating someone else and I wouldn't date her anyway, or she me for that matter. I guess I always think about the romantic "getting back together" but it would just be the same and she'd just think about the guy she left hangin' to be with me. I'm getting used to the fact that everyones always looking for something better. I was told by someone that I used to date that they were looking for someone else when they were dating me because I wasn't treating them right. I was paraphrasing there but that was the statement. I guess I am glad that the person I'm speaking of has found someone they truly care about, and she does. That's cool. I will get her out of my brain eventually, I just hope I stop acting like a fool in the process. Anyway, I'm off to finish some work. Then I'm into hanging with my best friend as of late, Jose Cuervo[sp]. Tequila is my friend, ha-ha. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Peace~~The Doug {the retired text messaging dumb-ass, hurl} |
| | 1/18/2007, at 7:24:am |
| Wakey Wakey. Another day, another kick in the nuts. Yeah, I got a little surprise last night whilst cooking my supper. The doctor I'm working for called me and asked about some stupid brick thing that we hadn't even gotten to yet on the breezeway that I'm "closing-in" for him. I was hired to build an add-on to his house that would've had an "Endless Pool" system in it. It's an indoor pool with a current to swim against. We haven't broken ground on the pool room yet and we're still doing just little stuff to stay busy. Well, I guess that's not going the way he wanted it to go because after he called me a couple of times last night and asked me about the little brick course that runs along the bottom of the breezeway, I guess I didn't have the answer he wanted, so he canned me! Yeah, fucking told me to come get my tools and give him the plans back and just walk away from the job. That's the first time anything like that has happened to me in many moons, or ever maybe. He's done this before to other people, I heard that before I ever started the job but I thought I'd be treated differently. I have other work though so I'm not destitute. I kind of knew he'd screw me somehow. Those doctors operate and save people's lives everyday and that gives them a "God" complex some of the time. This guy definitely has that going on. Too bad though, I was going to do a great job and I was looking forward to being at the same job for awhile again. I worked next door to his house for awhile, that's how I met his wife and then met him. I thought his wife liked us, he even said he like the work I did but last night he said it was crap. I hope one of his wife's horses kicks him in the nuts. I have to go get all my stuff today and move it to my new job, in the rain. I can't wait to jam today! I played last night and wrote some cool new riffs, I live for those moments. I better get my ass in gear. I'm going to the gym first thing today, I skipped yesterday and I felt guilty. Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/17/2007, at 5:43:pm |
| No gym today!! Man, I'm sore as hell. I've had to hang some sheet-rock for the last couple of days and that's not something I normally do. I think it'd be best to hang at the crib tonight and just jell and play my guitar. I think I need some alone time anyway. Shit, that's all I've had for the last few months {not really}!!! That's funny. Tomorrow Shedrick is going to be here early in the morning and work with Matt on fine tuning the set lists. He'll be here for a couple of days I reckon and then we'll play somewhere. Hopefully Tuesday night but we'll see. I'm going to go have a drink and be the loser, wanna be I was told that I am this morning. Yeah, lovely huh? Thought that's what I'm supposed to be....................Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/17/2007, at 6:56:am |
| Damn. I finally got some good rest last night, for a change. I went to the gym after work, which I should've skipped. I was BIG sore on the treadmill. The weight lifting went really good for some reason though, I really felt like pushing it hard. I worked some muscles I normally don't use in the daytime, at my "straight" job. I just feel if I don't push myself and work as hard as possible, I won't get the results I'm looking for. I will not stop this time, until I'm exactly the way I want to look. People, there's a new Superhero out there, he's PamlicoMan!!! He can leap acres of corn fields in a single bound, he can carry bushels of turnips without dropping a single nip, he can milk a thousand cows in the blink of an eye, he's Pamlicoman. His only weakness.................. Psycho-konite, he can't fight the powers of a crazy woman!!! His uniform is Brown and he wears those white rubber boots that everyone wears down there {we call them Pamlico County Reebok's}. His haircut, a mullet, that doesn't move when he's flying on his Massey-Ferguson Tractor!! Someone, whom will remain nameless has been reading my doses again, I can't understand why but she has asked, no no told me to stop or she was going to hit me in the head with a can of contact cleaner {that made me laugh out loud}. Why would she be interested in what I'm thinking, I'm not even interested in what I'm thinking half the time!! I wonder if the new "love-of-her-life" knows she's contacted me? I bet he wouldn't dig that shit too much. I never cared whom she spoke to, I'm just not the jealous type and never have been. I tried to act like it a few times for her enjoyment but I just couldn't do it. I actually had a very crazy, disturbing dream about her last night {yeah, I know that's stupid, I had no control over it though}. I was somewhere, trying to get home and she was calling me on the phone, breaking up with me. In the dream I was frantic at first then I was like, wait a fucking minute, we're broken up you freak-a-zoid! I always know when I'm dreaming. Really I do. I do crazy stuff in my dreams when I realize what's going on, it's fun. It wasn't last night though. She was even a freak in my dream! Whatever, I guess I'll be a nice guy and just let all this shit die down. I'm not ashamed of anything I've written, about anyone and everything I've posted has been accurate and in my point of view, fair. So there you go, you're free to never visit my "Daily Dose" again R.S. Goodbye again!! I actually slept through my Texas call last night. My buddy Rhonda is like myself and can't sleep worth a shit either. We wind up talking on the phone at the strangest times, like 4am in the morning or whenever. We talked for like 2 hours the other night. She's so cool. I guess it's good to have a friend on the other side {the dreaded league of woman}. She's given me some good advice. I value what she tells me, I hope I can give her some good advice someday when she needs it. I better get going, I have much to do {yawn}. Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/16/2007, at 4:18:am |
| What the fuck am I doing up this early?!?! I just couldn't sleep. I feel rested, I just can't lie there and stare at the ceiling. I guess I got some stuff swirling in this empty head of mine. Yesterday went pretty well, I worked all day and then went to the gym and tried to kill myself, ha-ha {as always}. I really can't understand why I didn't stick with this "working out" stuff years ago, when I was playing with Kruella Deville. I worked out every other day for 6 or 7 years, even on the road. I feel so much better now and with the stupidity in my life at this very moment, feeling good is a treat. My son goes back to his mom's house tonight so it's back to work on the new band stuff, which is actually fun. Dave, our former drummer called today and we told him what happened with the other drummer we had hired, which lasted a whole week, ha-ha. Dave's a great friend and is still helping Push Groove immensely. He and Cathy are going to come check us out with the new drummer whenever we play New Bern again {soon, I hope}. As much as I hate to touch on this, I spoke to the ex-girlfriend last night. Actually, we spoke in the day a couple of times about getting some things back she still had of mine. It wasn't a nice thing to talk with her as I thought it would be, I guess there's still a little bitterness on both our parts. It bothered me a little that she was telling me about her new boyfriend {the 2nd or 3rd since me} that lives in Pamlico county. I talked to her again after dinner {she sent me a text while I was cooking my steak, but I couldn't stop during that} and she kind of got me going again, pissed off I mean. She knows what buttons to push, I reckon. It just sucks when someone professes their love for you and tells you how you were the love of their life and it takes all of about one week to replace you with whomever is available. I guess that's good for her, no lingering thoughts of me, huh? I guess most women just have to have a guy in their life at all times. I won't lie, I've had times where I wished I had someone recently, during the holidays, last weekend or whenever but I'm not going to just fill the slot with anyone, that's just not me, I don't function that way anymore. I did, many moons ago, she'd have been history in about 5 seconds! It sucked talking with her honesty, I felt like a dumb-ass for opening up to her again. I wasn't all hurt and sad afterwards. I was just disgusted like when I used to talk to Satan {the original OG ex}. I'm sure she got on the phone directly after we talked and called Pamlicoman and talked all sweet and acted as if nothing happened, which is what she did with me when we were in the "bubble". I have no problem with him, whomever he may be. I hope it works out for her and they marry and she does donuts in his yard for the rest of their lives. Actually, I do really hope their happy together, doing donuts and stuff. I wouldn't wish anyone to be unhappy, I know what that feels like and no matter how much pain and aggravation she's inflicted on me, I still wish for her happiness, which I know is strange and more-then-likely a waste of energy for me. Enough of that. As for the new drummer, I talked to him tonight. He lives in Raleigh. He's such a cool dude, he'll be here Thursday and we're getting our new promo shots done and all the website stuff changed. I really hope this is the end of our drummer woes. I believe it is, he seems like he's really into it. He's always been in bands and traveling so it's nothing new for him. He damn sure learned a lot of music quickly. He reminds me of myself when I was his age, always trying to better himself and his music. I was a machine at 22, yeah he's only 22! I think that'll help us in the long run. He brings some much needed youth to Push Groove. We should have all the new info on Shedrick posted to the Push Groove site and the Myspace site by Friday so stay tuned. I think I'm going to go run before I have to take T to school. What the hell am I turning into, ha-ha?? Healthy or what? As for the e-mails I've gotten in the past few days, thanks people. It's nice to hear that y'all think I'm OK. I dig the hell out of y'all too. Have a great day everyone, Peace~~Doug {the Stone Hearted one} |
| | 1/15/2007, at 7:18:am |
| Hey y'all. I'm up and actually a little chipper this morning. No hang over, ha-ha. Last night, T and I played around and threw gummy bears at one another for awhile. It was funny. He wanted some hot chocolate and I made him some with his supper. He had Chinese food at about 5 then at 7:30 he was hungry again! Damn trash can belly of his. I guess I was the same way. He's such a great kid. I've been noticing he's turning into a great person, which is strange to say. The people I'm working for breed horses and have a large stable, the lady for whom I'm working told me that Tyler was very good looking and she said when he's older he's gonna knock the women out. That was so cool to hear. He's going to be a nice guy too I believe. He damn sure didn't get his good looks from me, haha. Maybe from his mom but she has a slightly large gord on her, but I digress.
I hope he does knock'em out because I still can't figure them out to save my ass. I learned another valuable lesson this weekend but I'm not going to touch on it now. I'm lucky to have a friend that's a chick that I can ask questions. My buddy Rhonda in Dallas Texas has given me some good advice as of late. We talk quite often and she's definitely enlightened on the finer points of the "chick" species. I'm 41 years old, been married twice and had a few relationships {psycho ones included} and I still don't know shit! Whatever, I'll live and learn I reckon.
On a good note. Our new drummer Shedrick Williams is a cool dude and a GREAT musician. We're very stoked about him getting on board. He played the hardest songs we have on our set list and some of our original stuff with the greatest of ease. He ripped "Suck My Kiss" by the Chili Peppers. No one has been able to play that except Dave Jones, and Dave ripped it. Shedrick played it with no problem too. He did Whisky Drunk well too {an original}. We're gonna work up all the new original stuff with him and then record, we think that'll do a lot for our sound. We're definitely going to be diverse now!! Push Groove is a trip to watch now, we're one long-haired Tattooed guy, another long-haired Jew guy and a 6 foot 6 bald black dude!! I can't wait to take the promo shots, they're gonna be cool.
I better get going. Have a great day everyone. Peace~~The Doug |
| | 1/12/2007, at 5:09:am |
| Coffee, Coffee!! Man, I just can't sleep anymore, for some reason. I crashed about 9 or so but I was wide awake at 3:30am. I'm probably not drinking enough Tequila, haha. I've always been like that, if I have something on my mind {which I really don't right now, no more than usual} I can't get much sleep. It has been a little stressful as of late but things are going better, somewhat. I think I may have touched on it in a previous dose but now we have two really good drummers coming to play this weekend so that's one thing I won't have to worry about anymore, hopefully. T will be here today {it is Friday isn't it?} he was supposed to be here already but it was his step-brothers birthday yesterday and his mom wanted him to stay for the festivities. I should have said fuck-off with all the bullshit she's pulled lately but all that does is create stress for T and I'll not do that. I can't be a dick to her because of the fact, I can't hurt something he loves. It would be a shame if a meteorite crashed through her roof and bounced off of their floor and went directly up her ass. Man, I would really feel sorry for her if that happened {fingers crossed}. I'm going to drink some coffee and go to work, I hope I can sleep tonight. Peace everybody {yawn}~~Doug |
| | 1/11/2007, at 7:52:pm |
| Hey. Well, another day, another dollar! Yeah, I'm home, I went to the gym and worked out and damn, do I feel old, haha. I actually feel great but damn, this working out shit is hard. We had some cool stuff happen with the drummer situation. We have two really good drummers coming to play with us this weekend and both want the gig! They actually are both learning our song list BEFORE they get here. That's so cool!! Just a couple of days ago, we weren't sure what the fuck was happening. I guess we're going on the road, sooner than we thought. I sort of talked to the insane one last night, her answering service actually. I told her I was done thinking about this shit and to leave me alone. I also sort of told her I wished things had turned out differently but they didn't and that's that. I didn't tell her I knew she was screwing around when we were together. I guess one of her friends thought I wasn't so bad a guy and told me about stuff recently. I'm not a jealous guy so I never asked her what she did in the daytime when I was working or when she'd get a call when she was here and walked outside to talk, I never asked her who it was or anything. I'm just not that way, I guess I should be, huh? I forgive it all, let her do what she will for the rest of her days. I hope she's where she wants to be, really. I would always wish for her happiness, like I do my ex-wives, hahahahahahahahahhaa. I gotta get to bed, I sleep like shit and I'm actually tired tonight. Be well everyone, and to everyone eat me, I mean take care, whatever~~Douggy |
| | 1/11/2007, at 6:45:am |
| I'm up, not awake totally but I'm up. I'm ready to go back out and play. We have a couple of drummers coming this weekend and one of them has to be the "ticket". It's been tough finding someone that can play the music, stay sober and contribute to the band. I never thought we'd have so much trouble finding someone. We've had a slew of people interested. I didn't think our show was that difficult to play but I reckon it is. We're still writing new {good} music and we have everything set up for recording at my place so we're, by no means, sitting idle.
I think I've closed the book on some stress in my life. Yeah, famous last words with me right, ha ha!! No but seriously, I've had a tough time this holiday with some stupid shit, different from the usual stupid shit I carry with me. I can actually laugh about it now, I guess I am healing a little. I had expected to have a different Christmas this year and had spent some money on someone I thought was special and whom I may have treated poorly in the past. As it turns out, I was incorrect with my assumption that she was something special, she wasn't and that's clearly evident to me now. I don't mean to degrade her, she's happy with her decision, happy with whom she's picked to be with so there's no animosity here, well maybe a little. To be honest, it was very hard for me this year. I spent 6 or so days alone during Christmas but I made it and I learned from it. I didn't even pull a "super-duper" drunk, like I normally do! That helps nothing I've surmised. I consciously made a decision to move on in the last few days and I feel so much better for it. I'll be on the road again soon and I definitely don't need anything other than my son {super-kid} to think about that's here waiting for me {if that made any sense}. I don't think I need to date anyone for awhile. I've always had someone in my life and I think now is a time for me to just hang by myself. My dad told me he went through a time like this and he was close to the same age when he went through it. Man, I wish he was still around so I could ask some advice. That's one thing I miss the most, our talks. I saw the "unspecial-ones" dad the other day at a store and he was in the Navy like my dad and the same rank when he retired as my dad. He was very nice to me and it was cool to talk with him for just a moment. I missed seeing him, he was the closest thing to my dad I had found, even though they're totally different people. We didn't speak about the insane one, thankfully. He's really a cool dude. I was told he didn't care for me but hell, who does {the made me laugh}! Let's move on, shall we?
I was so tired last night after work that I didn't go to the gym but I will today, no matter how tired I am!! I feel so much better about myself but I still have so damn far to go to get myself where I want to be. I'll make it. I gotta go. Peace out~~The Doug |
| | 1/8/2007, at 9:47:am |
| Hey. On my way back to work, thought I'd drop one on.............no one, I guess. I'm glad I have a friend or two in this world. Sometimes, when you're down and don't want to talk to anyone about it, someone calls and they inadvertently help out. My friend in Texas, Rhonda is such a cool chick. It usually sucks when you meet someone new and they find out you're depressed sometimes. Being an artist has it's perks but the down times are rough. I've been dwelling on some shit, as of late that's just been kicking my ass and she helped put things into perspective a little bit for me. This drummer shit we're going through hasn't helped the situation either. I'm hoping we may have that problem solved, we'll see later today. I've been dreaming about stuff I don't want to dream about and it's fucking driving me crazy! How do you get someone out of your head when you know if you're with them, it's not good for you? I guess that's the $64,000 dollar question, huh? I'll figure it out, I always do, or I move on to the next dilemma, haha. It's sure helped with the writing though. I've written like a madman in the last few weeks. I think they'll turn out to be great songs on the record. You'll have to wait and see, just like me. I better get to work, I'm looking forward to going to work and digging some bushes up. Yeah, I do the menial labor stuff too. Oh the life of a struggling musician. Whatever..............Peace~~Doug |
| | 1/7/2007, at 10:21:am |
| Yo. Jes, I must have had a little too much Tequila last night whilst cooking my famous Spaghetti sauce. I was in bed asleep by 7pm or so. Yeah, that's early but I wasn't feeling so "chipper" anyhow so what the fuck, right? Speaking of the "sauce" I had another, I guess you could say "bad dream" about the person whom taught me to make the famous sauce. Those type of dreams suck because, I then think more about her and it's just stupid and a waste of time. I'm not allowed to speak her name at rehearsal or anything, it's some psychological thing Matt's doing to me to help, I reckon. It's working, I rarely speak of her. Still, I guess she's winning. I'm glad I have the gym and the band or I'd be even more freaky! She has her new challenge {which is what it'll be for her not to act the exact same way with him as she did with me} and I'm sure she's very happy and moving forward with her plan, whatever that is. I hope it doesn't involve doing "donuts" in his yard at midnight, haha, but I digress. We have another rehearsal with the new drummer, Rusty. He's a good dude and a very good drummer. We'll see how things go today. I hope he digs this enough to go hard at these songs. We have some new stuff that just came up for the band and we need to be tight as hell to do it. I'll write more about it when I have the details but it might get Push Groove out West or at least Central of the United States, soon! Wish us luck. Y'all take care~~Doug |
| | 1/5/2007, at 8:13:am |
| Hey all. I'm on my way to work {thank the heavens}. Thought I'd drop a dose and reiterate what I was hinting about in my last writing. The gig's at Rena'j's didn't go so well last weekend. Friday was OK but Saturday and part of Sunday was terrible. Our "former" drummer and I mean doesn't play with us anymore Bill, decided that he was going to sneak a few shots of liquor when no one was looking, especially his wife {the little old church lady}. Saturday night was the worst we've ever sounded. He drank so much that he couldn't hardly play, AT ALL!! We barely made it through the show! He knew it too. Sunday night wasn't as bad but I cut him off right to start with. He didn't like that either. He walked in New Year's Eve and drank four shots of Vodka straight away and tried to tell me he was only going to have a few. I said hell no and he allowed to drink anything else. He was actually heading for the same drunk he had the night before, I believe! I really hate firing anyone but this just couldn't go on. If he would have done this 6 months down the road, after learning the show perfectly, that would have been different. Hell, I drink every show but I never get too fucked up, I can always play my part. He actually got up in the second set on New Year's Eve and went to the bathroom, in the middle of a set! Christ, you can tell by his behavior he had no respect for us, the band or himself. I couldn't trust him ever again not to get drunk. Just think if his old lady wasn't there? She was actually sitting in the audience reading a book the whole weekend. I guess I understand, she had to babysit her husband. That's over now so we're done with that. We're jammin' with another drummer from here in New Bern named Rusty and he's very good and we'll be play in a couple of weeks, just like before, no cancellations! He rehearsed with us last night and was a really cool dude and has a nice set of drums. Wish us luck I guess. Everything else is about the same, sitting home alone when I'm not playing. I'm starting to get used to not having a girlfriend again. I still think it sucks but I guess I'm still not ready to go out looking. I'm not sure I'll ever go LOOKING again, fuck that. Like I said before, I'll be that old guy, with a Harley, my dog, and a weird looking hat, living alone, forever. Ha, that's funny. I better get going. Peace everyone~~Doug |
| | 1/2/2007, at 10:34:am |
| Hey. Well, I may have the band stuff worked out. I can't go into detail with what transpired this weekend but I will very soon. It'll make some people laugh but it's damn sure not funny to Matt and I. All the trouble we've went through hiring a new drummer and BAM, the shit-hammer falls! I'll go into it more in the near future. Other stuff: Well, my fucking car broke down at 2am after the terrible {emphasis on TERRIBLE} show Saturday night. Matt and I had to ride home with the new drummer's wife and she drove 54 miles an hour the whole fucking way. It took like over an hour to get home from Jacksonville. I felt like shit all day Saturday and it wasn't from drinking, I actually didn't get drunk the whole weekend, I couldn't there was so much insanity going on in the band I was too scared to relax. It won't be that way for long, I promise you that. I think 2007 will be a better year for me. 2006 sucked, I had a shitty year for music and everything else as well. I usually have a optimistic outlook so it's not me just being depressed. I hope everyone else had a good New Year's Eve and a great year to come. Maybe we'll all do well. Peace and take care~~Doug |
| | 12/31/2006, at 4:19:pm |
| Hey. Happy New Year's Eve. Not so happy for me I'm afraid but what else is new, right? It seems there's always something "backhanding" me. I guess I deserve it for some reason. I'm just hoping we can get through tonight without any major train wrecks. I just can't even try to paint the picture of how bad I feel we sounded last night. We got away with it but most everyone was drunk anyway. The staff wasn't and they're used to us kicking ass, we didn't last night. I hope there's a crowd tonight so more people can see us, haha. I guess I'll be just stand there whilst everyone kisses at midnight. Yeah, I better not go into that. I don't have the energy to touch on that subject. I met a girl last night and she was nice but I knew while I was talking with her that I just wasn't ready to be with anyone. I can't understand why I feel that way but I guess it's the way it's going to be for awhile. I think a year or two alone may be what I need to get my head back in order, if that's even possible at this point. Or it'll drive me crazy, one or the other. I have never been one to look for someone to be with anyway so this is no different than before, when I was first separated. I just hope we can get this gig over with and get back home quickly. I'm looking forward to going back to work, can you believe that? Now I know I'm going crazy. I better go, Focker Out!~~Doug |
| | 12/31/2006, at 3:13:am |
| Shit, Just got home from the second night of the gig in Jacksonville. Man, things are bad! My life is shit again. I can't go into it too much but let's just say things aren't what they seemed to be with our new addition. And to top it all off, my car broke down on the way home, my alternator went out. What a nice life I lead. I also met a chick tonight that was a complete freak-a-zoid so things are fucking just wonderful in my life. I can't wait to live the rest of my life alone because everyone woman in the world is insane!!!! I'm not sure if I've died and went to hell of if I'm just living the good life. Shit, I have to go to bed so I can go get my car tomorrow and tow it back to my house. What makes things better is that I'm sitting here alone and writing on the Internet in the middle of the night. Wow, I'm fucking blessed, huh? I have to go, fuck me.............~~Doug |
| | 12/27/2006, at 10:07:pm |
| Yo. Just got done with rehearsal with the new drummer. It's coming along but it's slow. I kind of like it that way. Anything that's too easy is not the best thing. He's a really good drummer, I think Push Groove will be better after we get used to him. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Dave and I really wish he'd have worked out. Man, I can really see me {and Matt} and Dave traveling all over the globe but that didn't work. I blame myself for some of that. His wife Cathy is so cool.
I had to go to the next door neighbor of my ex-girlfriend's house today and fix some shit on the old ladies roof. Ya' know, I thought it would bother me to be in that close of a proximity, but it didn't. I really don't want her in my life anymore and that's great after all this time. She'll be happy with someone else {the guy she's with hopefully} and I'll be happy in ANY situation other than being with her. Hey, I can't bullshit, she was great at some stuff and I very much miss the certain things, but she was so messed up in other important areas, I just couldn't go on with her. I miss tasting her big lips on mine and holding her hand when we walked together but it's over and those days are in the past. I hate to quote myself but I wish her well. Shit, I miss her family more than her. Her dad was so cool but she poisoned that. He hates me now, of course but that's because she has told him some shit. If she only knew the conversation he and I had a few times. He wanted me to take her and give her a home. He knew I wouldn't hurt her or treat her bad. I think she wants to be treated rough and I'm just not that way, sorry. Whatever, that's over and I won't touch on it anymore. She's history from now on!!
My kid posted some new photo's of his new amp. Man, that's so cool. I dig him so much. I'm so happy that he likes his stuff. All I do, I do for his acceptance. I know it may look like I'm leaving with the band and I don't give a fuck about anything but my son told me to go for it. Yeah, you're thinking "you told him you wanted to travel and he agreed". Bullshit, he figured out, what I was doing and we talked and he told me to do whatever made me happy and he'd be here whenever I was around. I know that may sound like I'm being callous but I'm not. T means more to me than anything and I take his blessing to heart. I'm the fuck out of here real soon!! I can't wait to do it again. I will never let my son fall between the cracks of my career.
I better go, I have to crash. I'm glad I have this space and the few whom have contacted me, Thank you. I really needed the e-mails when I got them. I owe y'all one. Bye~~The Doug |
| | 12/26/2006, at 7:08:am |
| Wakie Wakie!! Yeah, that's me. All is back to "semi-normal" around the Canney Casa. T is asleep, Matt got in a little before midnight, I had to go pick him up at the airport. Again, people kissing and hugging and doing all the love stuff. I took it pretty well considering the e-mails I got yesterday from former girlfriend. Yeah, she wouldn't be so smug if she wasn't in another relationship. As I've stated before, that's good for her, I don't wish anyone to be alone. Of course, in her eyes I'm a loser, I do terrible work, I'm self absorbed, pretty much everything bad you can think of..............I'm that. I should be used to that from her, she's always told me what a piece of work I am and some of the time I agree, haha. I hope that closes that chapter in my life, I don't have the energy to talk to her or have her emotional terrorism invade my psyche anymore. I hope she does well and I hope she's happy with her new guy, I'm sure he's a good dude. As for the Holiday, I'll say I made it through but I got to say, it was hard man. I didn't think it was at the time but I spent about 6 days alone and really didn't speak to many people, at all. I think it helped me a little, not much but a little. I think the hard moments and the tough hours go into a place in your mind and you draw from it when the next tough time arrives. Not sure that made any sense but, there it is. T was really happy with his new Amp and wireless. My sister Daniele came down for awhile and brought some cool stuff for us. I miss seeing her, she looks so good. I'm glad she's doing her thing and happy. I have so little family that seeing her for just an hour or so makes me feel a little more complete. I guess those people who have close families like that really have something special. Not for some of us though and that's not me feeling sorry for myself, it's just a fact. I have so much to do with work and the band this week. It's our first string of gig's with the new drummer this coming weekend and frankly, I'm ready to make some noise and mingle. T's got band practice with his buds so it'll be a busy one today. The gym re-opens today too so I'm mega-ready for that!! It's been closed for 4 days because of remodeling. I can't believe I like to workout again. I guess it's filling the void of being alone. It's better than having a fucked up relationship in my life I'll tell you that! Gotta jet, Peace~~Doug {the self-absorbed-one} |
| | 12/25/2006, at 5:58:am |
| Well, I'm up. Can't understand why but I'm up. Santa didn't bring me a hang-over this Christmas and I feel cheated!! No biggie, there's always flag day. I have to play next weekend in Jacksonville {where else?} but I'll have to stay sober {somewhat} for the show. Whenever I would play somewhere, weather it was with the ex or anyone for that matter, I always have to drive. I hate that shit. It'd be cool if whomever I date {like I'm ever going to date again, HA} that they could drive once in awhile. One time, more than a year ago when I was still with the Push Groove from Myrtle Beach, I had a few too many at the Island Bar here in New Bern and my ex-girlfriend drove and almost fucking killed both of us. And I only live like, five miles from the bar!! Yeah, I'm sure she's have a great Christmas and I hope she is, really. I'm sure she'll go hug {or whatever} the new boyfriend and they'll tell each other how happy they are that they found one another {puke}. I guess when you're in the "love bubble" you're into that type of stuff. I'm actually glad someone can find the "bubble". I find it, then I pop it and stomp it and destroy it, haha! I left the TV on {like always} as I slept last night on the couch and every time I awoke, there would be some Christmas type movie on and it would be at the end when everything ends perfectly. I said out loud a couple of times "give me a break". It was funny actually. Also, everywhere I look people are holding hands and every commercial I see people are kissing and advertisements are saying "Christmas time if for love to flourish". I almost went crazy in Foodlion today and started throwing baking potatoes at everyone!! I could see the headline the next day "New Bern man goes crazy and pelts last minute shoppers with potatoes". Well, whatever. I guess I'll get my shit together and go to the Waffle House and then run until I vomit. I guess that's how I can lose this weight, like anyone gives a fuck how fat I am, hahahahaha!! T will be here sometime today and that'll be good. Then, I'll hook him up with his presents and then he'll go back to his mom's house and that'll be it, I reckon. Another Christmas in the books. I'll remember this one, not for anything good mind you but I'll remember sitting here wondering what's next for me. I guess it'll just have to be a mystery because no one knows what's ahead of them. I don't know shit about anything so what the fuck right? Merry Kwanza. Bye~~Doug |
| | 12/24/2006, at 5:56:pm |
| Was Sup? Christmas Eve, and shit.........I'm diggin' it, I reckon. Just got off the phone with my Uncle Terry. He's one of my mom's older brothers and by far, the coolest. Even when I was a kid, he was always different to me, in a good way. Of course I've figured out why the rest of the family treated me like whore-vomit but I digress.......I just called T to say "yo" and stuff. I didn't call him yesterday because I want to give him time on his own. I like to give him time to call me, if you know what I mean. When you have a teenager, you'll understand the "boundaries" thing. Anyway, when I called him just now, he was at Beelzebub's dad's house {translation: Satan's {Linda's} dad's dwelling {the fifth ring of hell}} and there was all kinds of happy shit {sounds} going on in the background. You know, like Christmas music, egg-nog being guzzled, Gold diggers being catered to, lies being told, Karma being fried, the usual Christmas things but............ it sounded like a party going on. I was almost jealous for a nano fraction of a moment. I'm happy T has family like that. I can't offer that and probably won't be able. {paused to take a very generous shot of cheap Tequila {burp}}. Fuck, it's a good holiday. I feel healthy, my kid is happy {I hope} and the band is semi-booked {ha-ha}. I guess I couldn't ask for much more. I better get back to my.................whatever. Merry Christmas y'all~~Doug |
| | 12/23/2006, at 4:22:pm |
| Yeah yeah, Merry Fucking Christmas!! I guess it'll not be so great to be alone after all but it's cool, I'll keep myself busy. I saw a buddy of mine today and he said he saw my ex at the "Mart-of-Wal". He said she was with a dude with two small boys and her daughter. It doesn't hurt my feelings or anything it's just funny that NO woman will be alone for very long. It didn't take her but a couple weeks to "hook up" and begin another long-term relationship. It didn't take my ex-wife but a few months to get back into a long-term relationship either. I'm not sure why this type of shit even surprises me anymore. Very few people have any depth or morality to them anymore. Not that I'm saying I have those things or that I feel any better than anyone else, it's just, that kind of shit makes you feel stupid and forgettable. I'm happy that anyone finds someone out there that makes them feel complete, hell even my ex deserves to find someone she digs. Whenever I feel like I miss her, I remember how jealous and unpredictable she could be. I hope she has a good Christmas with her new dude because I definitely don't want to be involved with her. I will admit, it made me feel a little shitty when I heard about them in Wal-Mart together. I'll just stick to working out and writing my music. He-Man-Woman-Hater I am!! Just for the moment, haha. I'll miss her daughter, she's grown into a really nice, well mannered little girl in the three years I've known her. I hope she does well in the future and gets an education. I better get going. I have things to do. Merry-Ho-Ho-Ca-Ca!!~~Doug |
| | 12/22/2006, at 7:34:pm |
| Yo. It's Friday and things are taken care of. Not sure what I meant by that but it's what it is..........I have no one here for the weekend, Matt's in New Hampshire with his family, T doesn't get here until Monday for a few hours because he spent the night here last Christmas Eve and I haven't a physco anywhere near, at the moment.
I actually wanted to be alone for awhile this holiday. I think the ex kind of made that happen. I just can't go "there" right now so I'll move on.
We're finally booked for New Year's Eve. Rena-J's of course. They have helped us out immensely but I feel like we only play THERE. We are booked in other places but it's been tough getting in the door at other clubs. I don't know why, we're a good band. We never act stuck up or anything. I hope things change. We have a good deal coming our way at the end of February. I'll let y'all know more when I know more.
I guess Santa's gonna bring me another hangover this Christmas. I guess that's how it's supposed to be. Some things you have to do alone. I do find some comfort in the fact that I'm not all depressed and shit. I really don't give a shit about much, other than T. I'm just happy that his Christmas is going to be grand. He said his favorite holiday is Christmas on a survey thing I read of his. I'm happy he's happy.
I guess I better go get black out drunk. Merry fucking Christmas~~Doug {Yut}
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| | 12/15/2006, at 6:45:am |
| Hey. Thought I'd drop a dose before I wake my kid. He's here for the weekend and that's cool, I've been missing him. Before I picked him up last night, Matt and I went and got all the P.A. stuff from Dave's house. It was a little depressing loading all that shit up for the last time with him. It was also kind of cool in the some weird way too because I know we're moving forward, whether we wanted to or not. It's just another step we have to take to get to where we want to be; making a living playing music again. I haven't had any insanity this week from anyone so I guess that's a good thing. I've had no more confrontations with the evil one. I will have no trouble going the rest of my life without any communication from the dark side. The fifth ring of hell can just hang. That made me laugh a little. I'm a little sore from working my ass off in the gym but I know it'll be worth it. I've been going everyday for a week and I think in a few more, I may be able to see some progress. It takes awhile but I'll hang in there. This eating fruit and not having my favorite chicken salad bagel every morning is kicking my ass though. The other day all I had was fruit, I mean apples, oranges, pears you name it. Right about four o'clock I got the "green-apple-quick-step" like I've never had before. I will not be doing that again! I like the thought of being slim and in great health again. It'll look great compared to me looking like a fucking whale, like I do now. I've actually grown a blow-hole in the top of my head recently. I'm having it removed in a few weeks though. Gotta go, peace~~the Doug |
| | 12/11/2006, at 7:07:am |
| It's me, I'm back. I've been gone so long, I'm sure no one is reading this anymore and that's kind of good. Maybe I can write some shit that's on my mind and not pay the price for it anymore. You'd be amazed at the people that read this shit {at one time}.
Well, let see. Dave our drummer and my buddy played his last gig with us Saturday night in Jacksonville and it was a little depressing on the ride home, alone. I hate it that he's leaving, or left I should say. I understand his decision and I believe he and Cathy will have a great life. I was once in love like that, can't understand now how I ever loved that psycho bitch, but I did.
The new drummer we hired have is a great player and I'm pretty sure he'll fill the spot with no problem. I will miss Dave though, he's a good dude.
Other parts of my life are moving forward. Sucking I should say, haha. I hate this time of year. It's not as bad as it was a few years ago but it still makes me want to puke. I still have to put my fucking Christmas tree up, I reckon I should have done it this weekend but I just said fuck it. T will be here this weekend so I'll have him help me do it. He's the only thing that makes me smile about this time of year. I went all out for him this year {like all the others since the "freeing of the chains around my neck"}.
I realize I sound like I have a bad attitude but I'm really not depressed, just disgusted. My "ex-insanity plea-bargain" of a wife called me last week and told me what piece of shit I was and how I was a scumbag and all this other shit I couldn't fucking believe. I could tell by her screaming at the top of her lungs on the phone she's felt this was for a long time. I somewhat though we were friends, you know. Not the type of friends that hug or joke around about personal stuff or anything like that, just casual friends, for the sake of Tyler you know? I have found out different. I think she's hated me and has for a long time because I haven't truly fallen on my face, like many other people we collectively know after their divorces. We both know many that have just went straight into the gutter, and I haven't done that. In fact, I think I'm grown up a little more {like I shoulda done many years ago}. I could just hear the resentment in her voice and that my friends {like anyone is listening} is fucking wrong! I'm not going into the reason but I will say it's over some tax shit that happened when we were still together and has "zero" to do with either of our lives now. She acts like we're not both responsible but only I am because I'm loser. She said Aaron was going to beat my ass! Ain't that some shit?! Man, I hope that don't go down but if it does, than fuck it, I'm on it!!!
I'm still in shock from the whole confrontation. I almost couldn't even say anything back to her. Actually, I'm glad she freaked out and showed how fucking crazy she really is. I've washed my hands of her for good. I'll never deal with her or Aaron again. Plus, she told me I wasn't welcome at their house ever again so I guess that helps matters in that department.
To be totally honest, it really fucked me up for a few hours after the call. Man, I hadn't had someone talk to me like that since my ex girlfriend, haha. But seriously folks, she said some horrible things to me and it hit home, HARD! I couldn't even hardly think straight for awhile afterwards. I guess I still get a little emotional when it comes to calling me names that my mom used to call me. I guess I'll get over it one day.
Well, I guess it's cathartic to get these words out. I truly hope I have this space again just for me. It got to where I was catching hell for what I was thinking and writing here awhile back but I think I stayed away long enough to where I've been forgotten, again. That's a good thing at this point, haha.~~Doug {the scumbag, piece of no good shit} |
| | 9/13/2006, at 12:42:am |
| Hey guys. Just got home from rehearsal and things are good! Dave picked up Matt around three from his week home with his family in West Virginia. We had a good rehearsal, the music is so fresh with us, it feels like I?m young again which we all know, I?m not!! On the way home, I saw a friend of mine I hadn?t seen in a couple of months. I?ve been playing everywhere and he?s been battling his ex-satan, I mean wife. Brian?s a cool dude, I?ve known him for years and he?s a great surfer. He?s had such a tough time with his ex, who?s been all over town as I?ve been informed and he?s a nice guy who doesn?t deserve this type of shit. He just got out of the hospital with a blood clot that went to his heart and could have killed the dude. If you know him like I do, you?d know he doesn?t look healthy like he used to. I actually went out with one of his ex?s friends and I?m still paying for the dinner we had, haha! Not really, I shouldn?t joke around about this, big women need love too. I think Brian?s ex and this chick go to the all you can eat places and get kicked out. This chick one time jumped in the air, and got stuck. I shouldn?t do this, I?ll stop. Brian?s a good dude and I hate to see him going through this stuff. His new girlfriend is hot though! She?s like super skinny and smells good too, a big change from what he?s accustom. I know he?s happy and that?s a good place to be. I went through some bad stuff myself but my ex-wife wasn?t as ?whale-headed? as Brian Combes? former freak or her bloated, bleached blonde, ?looking for love in all the wrong places? love shovel of a friend. I have no idea what I just wrote, but I dig it!! I better go, it?s getting late and I have to work my ass off before going back out to play this weekend. Come see us if you get a chance and you?re in Jacksonville NC {turdville if you listen to Lexx and Terry}. By the way, T loved his new guitar case I bought him. He?s my best friend in the world; I hope I can be the best dad for him. Laterish~~The Doug |
| | 9/6/2006, at 6:32:am |
| Hey all. Sorry I?ve been away from my site, the new site is keeping me busy, as is the band?s touring schedule. We?re off for this weekend, Matt went home to West Virginia to hang with his family for a week then it?s back to work. Things are really good in the Push Groove camp. We?re actually playing our original music now and working up new original stuff almost daily! Dave and myself are getting super tight and Matt is fitting right in like he?s been here forever. It?s cool to look back behind that monster kit of Dave?s and just know that he?s right there for whatever the music is doing. I guess that may have sounded vague but it?s a ?musician? thing. Our P.A. that Dave and I have literally built from the ground up, is sounding awesome. Although the new snake that I bought a few months ago fucked us at our Havelock gig recently everything else is working fine. We?re back in Jacksonville, the weekend after next, at Rena-J?s so if you?re around come hang with us.
Man, I have to touch on this subject. I guess you?d have to be living under a rock if you haven?t heard about what happened to Steve Irwin, ?The Crocodile Hunter?. That shit is so bad. He had a family and a really great life and now it?s all gone, for him. Whats left is the pieces of their life for his wife and kids to try and put back together. His kids will barely remember him. His son, I fear will not. He?s only three and his daughter is six. It?s just another glaring reminder that our days are numbered and I don?t mean that in an ominous way, it?s just a fact. T spent the weekend with me and I read about this Monday morning about 6am when I first awoke. I?m not one the take anything for granted, I can?t. I just stared at him while he was asleep on the couch {he won?t sleep in his bedroom} and thanked the stars he?s mine and that we have this time together, you know? He?s growing up faster and faster and going to be a man soon. Then I won?t be able to hug him and love on him like I do now. The Irwin thing just hit home like the Earl Woods {Tiger?s dad} thing did. Things that seem impossible aren?t. The Veterinarian that I?m building the log cabin for told me all about what it?s like for that type of venom to be injected into your body. That dude felt some serious pain for a time, not much I hope. He was dead seconds after he was stabbed. They say that happening is like a one-in-a-hundred-million chance, but it happened and he?s gone. From the bottom of my heart I hope his family mends someday and remembers how much he loved them and the animals he cared for. That?s from one animal lover to another. Peace~~Doug
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| | 8/25/2006, at 6:38:am |
| Hey all. Well, it?s been a tough night. Things are going well for Push Groove, we have lots of bookings ahead of us and the music is being played very well. I had a talk with Drummer Dave last night and I could tell at rehearsal there was something on his mind. He?s really not into the traveling and going everywhere with the band thing like I always have been and like Matt is accustom to. He told me this from the start so it?s not a surprise; I had just hoped he?d have a change of heart. I can understand that he wants to spend time with his family, and he?s a ?newlywed? and all. I can?t say a thing bad about the guy, he?s a great person and been one of the best musicians I?ve ever worked with, bar-none. I guess in a way it shows how much character he really has by making a decision like he has. He?s not quitting the band and he?s not told us he wants out yet but he?s not into going over-seas or doing this for a living, and I ALWAYS have been and will be. I just hate the thought of having to work another guy in and Dave not being there. We have many more shows to do before Dave steps aside but I already miss him. My life has been full of this, I hate the idea of losing someone else that?s been good to me. He and Cathy have made much of my life better and not because I?m a half-way-decent guitar player, because they truly like me, and I don?t get much of that. I guess I?ll get over all this but I could barely sleep last night thinking of all this shit. Dave was very cool when we talked and he isn?t backing out of any gig?s, he knows how hard Matt and I have worked to get this moving. I guess I?ll have to go to work and think about this all day. It?s going to be a tough few days getting around this in my heart. I better Jet, take care everybody. Peace~~Doug |
| | 8/22/2006, at 4:38:pm |
| Hey people. I hope everyone is doing well. We?re doing great, the show is getting tighter and we?re getting more bookings daily. The new website www.pushgroove.com is up and running with new photo?s, bio?s, upcoming events and a bunch of other shit that might be of interest {to someone I hope}. Matt is going way beyond what we thought he was capable of and has started the band moving forward for the first time in a long time. We now have three originals {one of them isn?t quite finished} that are on our set list. That?s a big thing for us, Dave and I worked our asses off to get them tight and Matt walked in and just threw down on them with no problem. We?re playing at the ?Dive? in Cape Carteret this weekend on Sunday the 27th www.thencdive.com If you get a chance, come out and see us and have a drink. It?s actually a pretty cool place from what I?ve heard. We?re also talking with a small booking company called ?Future Endeavors?. They have a couple of gigs for us and we have a couple of clubs we?ll help them out with so we?ll just see where this takes us. I?m off to rehearsal, talk to y?all soon. Peace~~Doug |
| | 8/15/2006, at 6:49:am |
| Hey all. This weekend went off well. There?s much room for improvement but we are SO much further along than we were a month ago. Matt, our new bass player from West Virginia is really fitting in great and played the show like an old pro. We have a lot of preparation to do before we play again, hopefully next weekend but I think it?ll be easier than it?s been. It?s strange; the other bass player we had must have not given a shit or something. We really made an effort to work with the guy and all he had to do was take maybe a month or so and he would have had the gig down. I guess we just weren?t that important to him. I guess partying, hanging out, getting arrested and doing ?not shit? was more important that Push Groove. It just shows that there are people out there who feel as strongly about what we are doing. I feel that before long, we?ll have a professional product that will hold up in front of anyone and that will impress all who experience us. It?s a goal. My Rig sounded great for the first time using it at a show. We had a few issues with the P.A. but I think we?ll have them worked out for the next show. Dave did a great job setting everything up and he?s getting better at it every gig. Rena-J?s staff, P-Nut, Alicia, Raven, Coreen[sp} and Loretta were very cool to us and we?ll be playing there again in September, we?ll post the dates as we get them. Becca and Cathy {Dave?s wife} helped out immensely with the entire show and took a myriad of photo?s that will be uploaded to the site within a few days. Matt is handling the website now, he?s our new webmaster and setting up the new Push Groove site as well. If you have any question for him just e-mail them and he?ll get the message. Gotta go, y?all take care and talk to y?all soon. Peace~~Doug |
| | 8/11/2006, at 11:39:am |
| Hey all. On the way out the door to the gig in Jacksonville. We?re at Rena-J?s on Hwy 17 south tonight and Saturday night too. The new bass player Matt Santy, is working out great and is making our band so much better. It?s funny how we had the other bass player for 6 months or so and couldn?t play out and we?ve had this dude for less than a week and we?re tighter than we ever were. Strange how things work out huh? Dave always said when we found the right guy, things would just click, and that?s exactly what?s happened. On to other sad news, a friend of mine named Sammy Piner passed away yesterday after finding out the he was sick just a few weeks ago. Can you believe that shit, just a couple of weeks ago he didn?t even know. He was 53 years old. We weren?t like best friends but I knew him for many years and he was a genuine good dude. I remember talking with him a few months ago about my Harley and he gave me some good advice on how to handle some stuff I had to fix and wasn?t sure how to do it. What?s really strange about all this is he had like a minor accident at work and it somehow triggered this stuff to start spreading throughout his body. I just can?t understand it. I guess it?s better to go out quickly than to linger about for months or years at a time. His brothers Mickey and Steve are obviously in a bad way right now and my heart goes out to them and the rest of his family. RIP Sammy, I hope the ride up is sunny and comfortable. I?m sure there?s a cold beer waitin? on ya?. I better get going. I have much stuff to do. Y?all take care and if you?re in our area, come hang out with us and have a drink or 12. Bye~~Doug |
| | 8/6/2006, at 8:58:am |
| Hey guys. Well, things are going pretty well for the band. We have found our new bass player, albeit in a strange locale but nonetheless, he's been found. Actually, he found us. He's from West Virginia and has already learned our show! Now that's something I'm not used to {I've had to teach the songs in the past to other bass players}. He's coming in tonight {at fucking midnight} to the Rocky Mount Train station. He's going to stay at my place for awhile and we'll see how things go. DrummerDave and I are very hopeful and excited. The dude seems totally cool and definitely has talent. I've talked on the phone with him for hours at the time. He's actually a Gulf War Veteran, which I think is cool as hell. As many of you know, most of my family was or is Military. I'm very optimistic about this, if I wasn't I wouldn't have opened my house to him. This shit better work out. I've been thinking about my longevity again {you know how I am}. You know, I don't have shit! No really, I was just reading "CNN Money" and there was an article on retirement and how long most people live and how much cash you should sock away so you can make it if you live to be 90 or some such shit. And I got to thinking {as I always do} I don't have a fucking dime! No really, I started over at 37 {after the separation} and I actually don't have shit! I have a little to get by on, you know, paying the rent on time, child support and the other bills but I have no retirement. I've actually started playing the lottery religiously twice a week because if we {or I namely} don't sell a record one day, I'll have exactly "dick" later on in life. Yeah, it blows my mind too. All those things people told me when I was younger about saving and credit and all that shit is painfully coming back to me. I always thought that my music would take care of me. But for whatever reason, bad timing, bad people or stupid decisions, it hasn't done it. I'm not through with my so called "career" yet but I just didn't have enough smarts to do what I should have done years ago. A guy my age should have a pretty good little "nest-egg" happening. I'd love to blame it all on someone or something else but the fault is all my own. I never had the chance to get an education but I guess I could have gave everything else up and just went to school and worked as a dish washer or something. I still feel that I'm trying to reach that place I want to be, a fulltime musician again. A fulltime musician that has a retirement plan would be good, haha. I better get going, my son is going to the beach with his mom today, it's her 40th birthday {8-6-66, yeah, she's Satan}. I'll keep y'all posted with all the news on the new bass player. Peace~~Doug |
| | 7/31/2006, at 5:35:pm |
| Hey guys. I hope everyone is doing ok. I'm still here, pluggin' away. It's going to be a strange week. My kid is in West Virginia with his Mom and Step-dad {that felt weird writing} and my girl is leaving for Florida early tomorrow morning. I miss T when he's here so I'm REALLY gonna miss him this week! I guess I'll be hanging with myself, like usual. I'm sure I can keep myself busy, I have many songs to finish {lyric wise}. I feel really good about the stuff I'm writing. I think this stuff could really go somewhere. Where, I'm not sure but somewhere for sure. I bought my kid a new guitar for his birthday on the 27th of July {13}. I bought him a 95 Gibson SG. Just like the one I got in 74 when I first started playing {or whenever it was, I'm a little foggy on the dates}. I won't be eating for awhile but he's worth every penny and every moment I'm hungry, haha. We're still working on the bass player thing, we may have a new guy but we won't know until Thursday. This area is like the "Bermuda Triangle" for musicians. I hope he's "the guy". I'm so ready to get going again. I feel like every moment is important in, what's left of, my career {if you can call it that}. I better get going on my domestic shit I have to attend to. It sucks living alone sometimes but you always know who it's for when the phone the rings. Y'all take care, bye~~Doug
P.S. Becca, I'll miss you.
P.S.S. Heather, that was rude!!! |
| | 7/24/2006, at 9:06:pm |
| Well shit! I guess that's about the best way I can prologue this dose. We have cancelled out Aug. 4th gig in Jacksonville at Rena-J's. Loretta was very cool and wasn't pissed at me. The thing that really sucks is, that the dicks I used to play with, Lucky 13 Band, are playing there this weekend. Fuck, isn't that just a long pull on the wiener {not the good way either}! Fuck, we had it going like...................ok, I think. Dave is right about all this shit, why go out with someone we can't count on. We haven't had any luck with finding a new bass player that can learn or already knows our show this quickly. We had a guy who could do it but his wife wouldn't let him drive from Raleigh to New Bern. Normally I would joke the shit out of him but I can actually understand this type of shit now. I guess I understand that others don't feel the same way I do about the music business. I'm ready, right now, to fucking just give my whole life up and start traveling and playing again full fucking time! I'm not going to do it because working with Tattoo Dave {why I just referred to him as that, I'm not sure} is better than working with others I've had to deal with. He's honest and very good at what he does. He has the patience of Jobe and I do not. I'm just ready to get back out there. I love our new original shit and the newer song list. I just hate not being out there playing every weekend or every night. I guess I'm going to have to move somewhere like Nashville or Myrtle Beach. I'm just going to play my guitar {I brought one of my Marshall heads home to blast with} and write some cool shit {I hope} and say fuck it for the night. I'm actually sorry I cursed so much. Really, I'm fucking very sorry. I better go. Ya'll take care. Someone wish me a bass player damn-it. Bye~~Doug |
| | 7/18/2006, at 5:48:pm |
| Hi guys. Just got off of work and thought I'd drop a dose. Well, things have been going better for the last few days. It turns out Matt will be fine, he's relaxing in a undisclosed location. You know, no loud noise, bright lights stuff like that. We all hope he heals himself and gets his life together. We have found a bass player to do the gig on the fourth. His name is Jonathan and he works at Fuller's Music store, that's our local music shop. He actually jammed with us before to help out and was a great player. It'd be cool if he'd stick with us but he's a busy dude. It may be an interesting show on the forth so come on out and watch my butt squeak, um....................yeah. On a more somber note. I met Mickey Spillane last summer when I was playing in Myrtle Beach every weekend. I was eating breakfast at the Waffle House in Murrell's Inlet and he walked in and ordered his breakfast, to go. Some older dude said something to him and called him "Spillane". I asked if it was Mickey and he said yes. My dad was very into his books and he also served in the Navy the same time my dad did in WWII. I asked him if I could buy his coffee because my dad would've really liked to have met him, had he still be living. He said I could and I told him about my dad having a bunch of his novels. He was so cool to me. I look like a freak and this 87 year old dude is inviting me to his house {which was just a mile away or so} to see his 65 Jaguar that John Wayne had given him for rewriting a movie. I talked with him for a good long time and was truly impressed with the man. I feel like I met an American Icon. I didn't know him well, or at all I reckon but hearing of his passing reminded me again of my own mortality. I wish I could have gotten to know him better, I guess because of the connection with my dad. He died a couple of days ago at his home in Murrell's Inlet, where he will be missed. He'll be missed here too. Godspeed Mr. Spellane. Gotta jet, y'all be safe {and try to stay sane too} Bye~~Doug |
| | 7/16/2006, at 6:17:pm |
| Hey guys. Interesting weekend for sure! Well, where do I start? First off, the dude we had singing for us quit. Not much of a surprise to me or the band actually. He didn't have the voice we wanted to start with but we liked him and he seemed to be trying hard, at first. After he missed his second rehearsal and then told us he didn't know what day it was {it was Monday} for the reason he missed his last rehearsal, we knew he wasn't going to hang. It's cool, we wish him the best. He's actually a good dude, he just wasted our time a little. No worries though.
Then it comes to today, funny little today. We scheduled a Sunday rehearsal, which we normally don't do but we had to re-learn a few tunes for this gig. We had like 5 or so hours put aside for taking a new promo shot and learning some new tunes and other assorted shit. Well, then we start to play and our {former} bass player Matt plays like "un-holy shit" from the first second of the first song. I said nothing because I know he's got problems and court dates and other shit bothering him. After he screwed up a few tunes, that he already knew well, I did say "hey man, tighten up, we don't have much time left before the gig". He said ok and then we started working on our new original songs. That's where all hell broke loose. He told us that he'd taken his "WHOLE prescription" that he'd gotten for his personality disorder. We were like, shit man! What do we do? He just kept wanting to play and then freaked out when we got to a part in this new tune called "Follow" that he couldn't get right. He started arguing about the arraignment then just threatened to kick my ass! Yeah, you read that right. He said all this shit about his girlfriend {that's he's legally not allowed to talk to} and that I was being mean to him and her and then he called me out. Yup, called me out! Dave stopped me the first time and I thought about it, he's someone's kid ya' know? I don't want to hurt anyone else. Well, after a few more minutes he called me out again and took a swing at me. I did what I had to do but I purposely didn't let any hard shots connect to his head. He was a little scraped up but non the worse for the ware.
{note: I took a break and had a few {hundred} shots {just now} of tequila. Just wanted to let you know where my head {and what's left of my brain} is at}.
What's hurtful about this whole situation is that in the middle of the "Matt outburst" he said that Dave had told him that he didn't want to go on the road or travel too much because of his family and business. All of which I more-or-less knew but I have goals, ya' know? I WILL take this band places. That's what the fuck I do! I will work with Dave {the coolest guy in the world {I'm not saying this because if my tattoos}} but I will travel this planet for the rest of my life, regardless of who's with me!! The thing that bothers me most is that Dave is the best person I've met to be in business with. He's honest, hard working, smart and digs "the La-gweed" {me}. I just hate to think about doing this without him. He said he'd step aside if everything worked out for another drummer to take his place. Imagine that, we can't even keep a fucking, God damn, shit-sucking band together and he believes in the music that much to tell me this now. I'm sure you don't see what I'm seeing here. The guy loves his family and his job and doesn't want to fuck it up. I have no life {other than my son} and want to travel the Earth planting my seed {or playing my music, whichever comes first}. Cathy {Dave's wife} is my ally. She'd do anything for the band, she's the coolest band wife I've ever seen. I'd miss her input as much as anyone if Dave left the band {me}.
I just got off the phone with Matt's mom, he's doing great. I couldn't tell her we're done with him. She's such a nice lady. I better go. Thanks for the e-mails people. Find us a Bass player!!! Funny stuff huh? Thanks for being there y'all, I like the contact. Back to your local programming. Laterish~~The Doug
PS My sometime Girlfriend "Becca" didn't like the "plant my seed" comment so I guess I'm a dick! I really didn't mean it how it sounded, sorry. I'm going to write a song about being a dick. |
| | 7/3/2006, at 10:52:pm |
| Yo........Just got home from rehearsal with he new singer dude, Tim. We sound great on the new stuff. Crazy Bitch and The new Godsmack, Speak. We're doing some other new stuff too. We're getting better and better. Just the vocals sounding tight, like they're getting is cool. The new singers music sounds very alternative as apposed to my shit that's like hard Blues type stuff, I think, I can't really say what I sound like. It's a lot different from my solo CD I put out in 2002, it's harder and funkier. I like working with others, doing all the music myself is ok sometimes but I write so much better when I contribute to the songs. I can write the whole damn thing but I think the best shit I've ever written was with other people. It'll be interesting to hear the stuff that Tim and I collaborate on.
I gotta crash, yeah I need to take a break from having so much fun. It's killing me! Have a happy forth people~~Doug |
| | 7/2/2006, at 12:07:pm |
| Hey all. We're booked, finally. We're playing Rena J's in Jacksonville NC on the 4th of August {Friday night}. The owner, Loretta is a really cool chick and has always been easy to work for. I played there with the other Push Groove about a year ago. This Push Groove is very different from the previous so I'm hoping that will be a plus. We have a bunch of new originals that are really cool, I even think they're cool and I've hated everything I'd written, as of late.
I believe I got my "mojo" back this weekend. I'd felt that I'd lost if for a long time. It's just a psychological thing that musicians, or any guy I reckon has to help them function with confidence. I've never been conceded, never had a reason to be that way but I've always been confident with my abilities, in any situation. I'd lost that somewhere between the break-up with my ex-wife {which has turned into a blessing} and where I'm at today. I just feel like I've found it again. It's weird, I got up Saturday {with a slight hangover} and just felt "plugged-in". I wrote better, worked out harder, played better, just everything was good. Maybe I've lost my mind and this is the dementia associated with an aneurysm. If so, feels pretty good. I'm not going to let myself get depressed so much. I know artists get like that sometimes but it's weakness and I'm not a week person, I beat whatever tries to hold me down. Yeah, that sounded weird but whatever.
T went with his mom and Aaron to West Virginia to drop off Aaron's son Marshall {just like my amps, duh}. So he'll be back today. I miss him and it's not even my weekend. I'm such a wuss when it comes to my kid.
I hope everybody has a safe holiday weekend. Talk to you soon. Peace~~Doug |
| | 6/28/2006, at 9:00:pm |
| Hey all. Been a weird night. I got home after work, nothing different, just a Wednesday, you know? I had a couple of drinks, didn't drink a thing last night {which is weird} and started to feel a little melancholy. Nothing I could put my finger on........ I thought about Daniele and gave her a call. I found out some interesting stuff. We talked about our dad and the kids he'd spawned and got to the subject of ME and that she had heard that my mom's family had eluded to the fact that if she'd have told them she was pregnant, they would have helped her abort the baby. Me, I was the baby! Holy fucking shit!!!! Maybe someone could have prevented this fucked up life I have lived!! Well, ya' know what? I'm glad I got the chance to give the world MY son. I fucking fell out after Daniele told me this little tid-bit of information. No offense to her, she's always got my back. She doesn't even remember what she did when the beatings were going on years ago. Daniele was my hero!!! Her crying and screaming saved me, always did. I love her now like I did then. I really freaked out hard on this shit. I can't even begin to tell you the babies who aren't here now because of who I am. I, all of a sudden, felt really empty. I guess everything happens for a reason and I know that if I'd have had any other kids, that would be all I lived for, like I feel about Tyler. He's the fucking man! I can't help but think about the two children who never {recently} made it. That's just too tough to write about now.
I hung out with a friend last night and had a good talk. She's very cool and going through some tough stuff. I hate to see people go through stuff I've been through. My advice: say fuck off! No one should ever have to be scared to hang with their significant other. Gotta Jet, much love~~Me |
| | 6/26/2006, at 10:23:pm |
| Hey all. Just got home awhile ago, thought I'd drop a dose an ya'll. Dave and Cathy got back last night from their honeymoon. My drummer is now an honest man, if not Cathy will snatch a knot in him, haha! Just kidding, Cathy is cool as hell and is a big part of this band. Dave is a lucky dude but deserves it, he's a great guy and a fucking bad-ass drummer. We are rehearsing tomorrow and I'll drop a dose telling when our first gig is going to be in a few weeks! Like it's a big deal, shit it is to me! I can't wait to perform again. I miss it! Yeah, the thing with my ex- girlfriend didn't work out. It's no drama we're just better off as friends, distant friends, like on a deserted island friends, like nuclear holocaust friends. No no no, I'm just kidding, she's cool, we're just not going to date anymore. She's a great girl and deserves someone who's different than I am. I'm sure she'll be doing well, I have a lot of respect for Becca. I better get moving. I have stuff to do. I wanna send a "shout-out" to my friend in Raleigh, NC. Victoria Axelrod. She booked me when I was playing with the "Doug Canney Band" in a couple of places in Raleigh and was very nice to us. I had just separated from my ex-wife so it's a wonder we got any gigs. If you get a chance, next time you're in Raleigh check her out on Wednesday nights at Gino Russo's, their website is www.ginorussos.com This chick can sing her ass off and isn't hard to look at either {wink}. Her site is www.victoriaaxelrod.com check her out! Laterish~~Doug |
| | 6/20/2006, at 10:14:pm |
| Hey all. Thought I'd drop a dose on ya'. I'm just kind of relaxing whilst out drummer and his NEW wife "honeymoon" in Virginia. I went tonight to feed their lizard at the Tattoo parlor{ Mr. Lissard} and the damn thing was actually happy to see me. He wasn't hungry, I think he was just bored. He usually hates me, join the club, haha.
This time off gives me the opportunity to write some {quality} words to our new songs. I've left some of them empty for Tim to write some of the words to them. I've heard some stuff he's written and liked what I've seen. The guy is definitely talented.
I sat down this weekend and wrote the worst shit I've ever heard, haha! I guess just being honest about it helps with the creativity. I don't know what I'm saying...........
Shit, I better crash. I get T in a few days and that will help immensely with the creativity thing. He's the most inspiring thing {person} I can be around. Gotta Jet, bye~~Doug
P.S. Hey () or however the fuck you type it. Why send me anonymous e-mails? Why don't you want to let me know who you are? You have seen me fall on my face many times, obviously by the frequency of your e-mails when I'm getting "shithammered", why would you feel the need to stay anonymous? You are obviously above my social stature, so why not rub it in by talking to me? Give it some thought, it's easier than being {}.................. |
| | 6/18/2006, at 8:17:am |
| Hey all. I just awoke from getting in at "I don't know what time". Our drummer Dave Jones and Cathy got married yesterday and I "DJ'd" the wedding. It was really cool to see them marry. I've known them for about a year and if marriage will work for anyone, it will for them. I say to myself a lot that I'm over what happened with my divorce and that I've "moved on" but sitting there yesterday watching that ceremony, it still gets to me. I guess I do have some respect for the act of marrying someone. I talk so much shit about it, it's a wonder they even invited me. I have felt for some time, that I wouldn't ever do it again. Fuck, I'm not sure I could withstand another "dumping". I'm so cynical about relationships, I'm just not open for that type of serious interaction. If that makes any sense. I will say I felt alone for a split second watching them. They were so happy as was everyone else. Cathy's dad was so cool to talk with. He wasn't anything like my dad but nonetheless still reminded me of him in some strange way. He loves his daughter and new son-in-law, that's for sure. I guess what I've come away with is that at 41, it's probably not going to happen for me, I'll more than likely never meet that person that takes your breath away when you think of them. The person that you count the moments until you're back in their arms, the person that can make any bad day or situation better. I guess those days are for others, for the deserving, not me.
Thanks for the Father's Day e-mails guys. I've always thought I was a real "mother" but I digress. T and I are going to do lunch later. He's the one that makes my life worth living. Peace~~Doug |
| | 6/11/2006, at 6:28:pm |
| Hey all. I'm a little slack on the "doses" as of late, sorry. I've been totally busy as hell and working my "straight" {day job} as well. I had to shut the guest-book down because of the piece of shit spammers! They are such losers with absolutely no life! Sounds like me, haha. Nah, shit I actually have had a good week or so. The band is krankin', damn we have some killer original stuff. And, I got lucky!!!!! Yeah, that's right {shouting at the top of my lungs}. Well, I feel lucky whether others think so may be debatable, haha!
Dave, Matt and I have really put some time in rehearsing and getting this shit down. Tim lives a couple hours away but he's totally into the band and I think his writing will really help us out, as a whole. Tim played and sang a few tunes for us that he'd written on his acoustic the other day and the dude kind of sounds like Incubus, a little. The fucking guy is talented! Excuse the language as I've been informed that a mixed diversity of people read this shit, 'er stuff.
Yeah, I reckon I should get back to the "getting lucky thing". My sister is going to whip my ass for this {I love you Daniele}. After all the bad Chi that has transpired between us.......................Becca and I connected this last week, again. Yeah, I'm sure I'll get hate-mail for it but I dig the chick. She's hard on me when she's angry {mad} and she's said things that hurt to the bone but I'm no picnic either. I'm not sure where this is leading and I really have no expectations, I feel that's the most respectful thing in this situation. I have enjoyed the last few days, she's been very nice. I never had "make-up" times with me ex. Not that she's a bad person because of it but Becca and I DO have make-up time, and it's friggin' surreal! She has already started with some of the possessive shit but I think she'll yield, she's a smart chick. She's also really hot!!!! I love those big lips! I better stop. PG-13, I reckon from now on here!
I think our first disc will be done and released by the end of the year. It's definitely going to be the best record I've ever been involved with. I'll be proud to contribute to it. I hope it sounds as good as the new BuckCherry record. My boy "Bookie" {Jamie Gainey} from Myrtle Beach turned me on to it. Man, that record kicks ass!
Thanks for being there people. I'm here for you, too. Peace {holding my hands in the air like a retard}. ~~Doug |
| | 5/28/2006, at 10:20:pm |
| Hey all {or none as the case may be}. Man, it's been a weird weekend. A lot of shit has come across my plate, or...............whatever. I guess things just happen in clusters, you know? One thing doesn't happen, like three or four things happen, all at once. I lived through it so I guess it's all groovy. I have one friend that I met that was super cool and pretty but just not interested in anything more than being friends and that was cool. But I met her best friend and talked to her a little and she really seemed like she was diggin' me. I guess not, and then I get an e-mail from the original "cool" chick saying I shouldn't have talked to her {?} What the hell is that all about????? I didn't know I couldn't be friends with more than one person. Actually, neither one of them gave two cents about hanging out with me, haha. I guess it's all for naught, that's understandable. I'm getting used to it, haha. The first chick was so cool. I've written about her before. It's hard to find a nice girl that doesn't smoke and has a job and does their own thing, you know? I dig a chick that doesn't have to have a boyfriend. I wished this one need one damnit! I guess independence is attractive. What the fuck right? I've also gotten my head right on the other problem I discovered this weekend. I'm having no trouble fucking my own life up, I don't need any help from outside stimuli. I guess that's all over now, as I've been told. That's cool, I hate writing bad stuff in this forum. This is supposed to be for my music but I can write whatever I want. I really hate to blast anybody on this page and sometimes it seems that's all I do is complain. I hate people who do that all the time. I guess because I don't let it out with others, I let it out here. I guess I should say I'm sorry to y'all. I'll try to refrain from being such a bitch from now own. I guess I should get some therapy huh? Sorry, no money to do that so I guess I'll keep bitching here! Whatever, right. No one gives a fuck anyway, that's funny. I gotta go, I have to work tomorrow. Thanks for the e-mails guys. I like hearing from y'all. Have a great Memorial Day people. Thanks to our military, past and present for giving their lives for us to live free. Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/28/2006, at 12:23:am |
| Hey,
Boy, Life is fucking wondeful! I've been informed, by a new friend that I'm not so appealing. Shit, I knew that, haha. I had wondered why some people hadn't got back in touch. Shit, it doesn't really matter right, I'm the one who's in touch with my "fucked-up-ed-ness". Jes, I had been in a weird place wondering why these people hadn't contacted me. Actually, I'm sure that she hasn't gotten in touch with everyone I'd talk to, for sure, right? Maybe she has!
I guess it's just Karma catching up, not sure what I'm paying for but I hope this is payment enough. There's one I had wondered about but I'm sure it was just me not being good enough. She was so hot, and like animals too!
You know, I don't mind being turned down or whatever you'd label it, but I would like the oppertunity to be the fuckhead, not someone else MAKING me the fuckhead.
I will never speak ill of the person I have written about in my last few "doses". It's really not fair so it ends here, tonight. I'd just like to say, I was good to her, and her good to me, at first. That's fucking it, no more, it's over!!!!
Push Groove rocks, that's all that's on my mind as of now. Much love to all of y'all. Bye~~Doug |
| | 5/26/2006, at 9:51:pm |
| Hey y'all. Today was "do-able". I have to be honest, I worked my ass off, on the job but I knocked off a little early. The Police were set up near Dave's Tattoo Parlor for a license check and that shit is totally fucking illegal, no matter what they are saying. I was legal but it's fucked up that the police and the tax people can do whatever they want. Fuck'em as far as I'm concerned, taxes are voluntary, that's the law baby!
The freak-a-ziod called me today. I actually listened to her voice a couple of times because it will be the last time I hear her "noise". Fuck her, she's a fucking Trolupe and I could care less what she's doing, or who as the case may be!! I have lost all the feelings I have kept in my heart for her and I'm having trouble remembering her name, hahahahahahah! Fuck, what's the use even holding any good thoughts about someone who did me the way she did? I'm not going to trash her, she'll do that her-self in no time at all. I just hope whomever hooks up with her, see's through her bullshit. God, I have to be honest, I miss the "stuff"! I can still smell her sometimes. You couldn't pay me enough to "backtrack" though, that's someone's else's area now. I just can't hate her, she took the "groceries" so well! She'll make someone real happy one day. That makes me laugh for some reason, even though I'm alone. Fuck, I don't care!
I have to go. I'm busy with my "friend". Yeah, that's right!!! Peace out y'all~~Doug~~ |
| | 5/26/2006, at 6:22:am |
| Hey, Yeah, I'm up early. T is asleep and I usually try and let him get as much as possible before waking him. He so cool!
We {Push Groove} jammed with a singer dude last night. He was good but didn't know much of our show. He used to play with a band called Enemy Hero and has toured and played out extensively. He lives in Hampstead NC so he has more than an hour drive each way. Remind y'all of anyone? Yeah, me. I drove 3 and a half hours our each way when I was playing in Myrtle Beach every weekend last year. Damn near killed my truck! I hope the guy works out, it'll take a lot of pressure off of me. I love to sing but I feel better just singing 30 or 40% of the show. I'll definitely let y'all know the progress of what's going on.
Well, no response from my last dose. I'm kind of glad actually. I deleted the ex-girlfriend who wrote the bad shit about me and also deleted the e-mail I sent to her {you can do that on Myspace as long as they haven't read it yet}. I've decided that she's just non-existent to me. As far as I'm concerned, we never dated, I don't know who she is and therefore I will not respond to her in any shape, form or fashion. I feel that's the healthy thing for me to do at this point. I had hoped that we could be friends one day, hell we went through some thought times together and she really did help me in many ways when we first met. When we first got things going, I was very into her. She was everything I had wanted when I was married and didn't get from my ex-wife. Funny how things turn to that "brown wet stuff" in no time at all. It still blows my mind to think she wrote that I was a bad father, that bothers me the most. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, she told me once when she was pissed that my mother treated me the way I deserved and Linda did too. Wow! That's some tough shit, haha! Now it's kind of funny but when it was said it stung like alcohol being thrown into your eyes. She's got her life going the way she wants it, hopping from guy to guy and that's cool, to each their own. I just don't think it's healthy for me to do that {it would be girl to girl for me, just wanted to get that straight, no "Broke Back Band" thing going on here!}. I would like to meet someone cool too but shit, I'm like the plague right now, haha! I have streamlined my dating, I can get turned down now before I even ask! I bet that's attractive to read, huh ladies?! Hell, I don't care. I am who and what I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I have been a little depressed as of late but I think I'm coming out of it. I'm going to be ok and I guess I'm still my own best friend. My Kid, my band {or music} and my sense of humor will get me through all of this shit. Gotta go, time to make the donuts! Much love to my friends and the middle finger to those who are reading that shouldn't be. Peace out~~Doug |
| | 5/25/2006, at 6:27:am |
| Hey all. Man, I'm just getting up from having a migraine headache last night. I'm damn sure not as young as I used to be. I used to get these things once a week when I was married. I usually don't get them now unless I'm working in the heat or some other factors arise and it stresses me. After I returned home yesterday, I was on Myspace looking around at some of the people on my "friends" list and came across someone I used to date. You know, when I date someone {and I haven't dated that many since the breakup} I still feel like they're in my life after the break up. Therefore I don't let others talk bad about them, if I want to say something that's fine but no one else. I had even have started talking fondly about this one chick to my friends, not because I want to get back with her just because she had some good qualities. She had a myriad of bad qualities as well but you forget about those while "waxing-poetic". I have always been one to look inward after problems arise with anything, especially a relationship crumbling. This person looks to everyone else as the problem. Any personal thing you did or said with her is public domain when she decides to talk. That's sad too because I told this person a lot of things from my childhood and other stuff that I would concider very painful and I wouldn't want the average person to know. After what I saw yesterday, it's going to be or already out there. We had some good times together but all I can really seem to grasp in my mind is that I was used for what she needed. You'd figure with the way I am that after someone stole from me, lied to me, and then screwed around on me I wouldn't have any problem forgetting her. I guess that's where I'm at now. I wouldn't have went back with her anyway, she's busy screwing her way through New Bern but I did still think about her. I hate it that people used to come up to me and tell me things about her, bad things but I always just said "now she's different". She's not, I should have listened to her ex, he was the smart one. After all the shit she talked about him, I guess we're in the same boat, funny huh. She can't be alone, she's too insecure for that but someday she'll figure out that it's not everyone else, it's her. And saying all this bad shit about others just burns those bridges she may need to cross again one day. Well honey, this bridge just exploded like Hiroshima! I'm outta here, like my prescription used to be in her pocketbook! Peace~~Doug |
| | 5/22/2006, at 10:07:pm |
| Hi. Just got back home from rehearsal, an early one tonight. We worked on new original stuff. It seems that this is some of the coolest music I've ever written. It's actually a team effort but I usually come up with the riffs and the words. It's a lot of pressure if you care about what you're playing and not just making fucking noise. I really think I'm coming into a new level of writing. It's a little surreal because I've written so much in my life. Stuff that's been recorded, played out, sold, not sold AND never seen he light of day, so I have much experience in doing this "songwriting" stuff. I guess now that my life is truly spontaneous, not planned out or mapped, things are inspiring {not always in the good direction}. Not like they used to be but different. I sound like a retard because it's tough to put into words what I want to say. Imagine that, me at a loss for words?!?!
Today was a little weird. I had a tough time with someone who will remain nameless. It's not a shock to me anymore to find out friends {or semi-friends} aren't what they seem or think differently than you thought they did, all along. It's just a shock to find out what a stupid-ass I am for believing in my "so-called" friends. I seem to have fallen into a pattern of caring for people who don't give a fuck about anything but themselves and honestly, I guess I need to take lessons. I need to look-out for number one a little more, I reckon. This person, who is to remain nameless, has had a tough time too in her life but honestly needs to loosen up a little. They've been uptight for way too long and should try and live a little, outside of the box {no pun intended}. That's really not for me to interject and I'm veering way off subject here. I just hate it when people have this "I'm above you now" thing going on when they were "all about me" once upon a time, GOD-DAMN-IT!!! I guess I need to take a breath, this person always wins, it doesn't matter, wrong or write she gets her way. I'm preaching to the wrong choir, I'm sure. I gotta go, Bye~~Doug | <
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